not an ant

i treasure all that
could we do that again? :-)

because it made me think about humanity
and that i don't want to be an ant.
you know?
I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another,
continously on ant autopilot,
with nothing really human required of us.
stop, go, walk here. drive there.
all our actions are basically for survival.
all communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner.

"here's your change."
"fill this in"
"finish on time"
"you want ketchup with that?"
and i dont want a fuckin straw :-)

i want real human moments.
i want to see you.
i want you to see me.
i don't want to give that up.
i don't want to be ant, you know?

bliss glimpse

redirect your mind to that first glimpse of bliss
when revelation was your reality
when your soul prayed in tongues

do you recall?

this fascination with the beginning
is not new for me
i remember my first real memory

i remember it being so surreal
or actually hyper-real
the realest ive ever felt
im still chasing that reality

i was on vacation in cairo
in my dokki building
going down the stairs
running down with an enthusiasm that only a 5 year old can posses
until i reached the entrance of our building

and on my way out
there is a mirror to the left of me
and a few more steps
this is when i got a flash of what i can only describe as

utter consciousness

i was so in the moment and there
i looked at myself in the mirror to my left
and saw myself for the first time

i was astonished, surprised, happy and a little confused
it was as if i was marveling at God's magnificence in my image
and his generosity for giving me the capacity to experience all this life

i gazed at myself for some moments more
it seemed like forever though, at the time

then i looked down at the remaining steps
and again lifted my head but looked straight ahead this time
my eyes met the street outside where there is a mosque

the call to prayer for Duhr was ringing
and the afternoon sun looked magnificent to me

i felt a surge of joy
the best high ive ever experienced
im still chasing it

and i remember asking myself
"what is this?"
i had heard my inner voice many times before
but never like this

the rush of euphoria had me deciding then and there
to leap the remaining steps
as if to celebrate my coming to life

i love that moment
like i was telling the world "look out, im crashing the party!"

here goes

i love you
i wanna say it
even if i dont mean it
i want it to have the strongest effect
i want us to stare in each others eyes after
i want us to feel it so strong, it moves us to tears,
and instinctly hug
i want us to fuse during that moment
i want that surge of emotion, to be our common plain
i want us to live there for the longest time

im not genuinely feeling all this when im with you
i pretend to, cause i desperately want to
but now that im writing it
i feel a warm tingling at the center of my chest
so here goes
i love you

Not sure - Not ever

art
what a cheeky word
scary sometimes
when you think of it

im sure someone once said :

"bad art is more for me, it suits my taste
bad art is more tragically beautiful, it documents human failure
a most essential and integral drive-force of the human condition"

but im not sure whether he said it as an observation or as a cautionary tale

butter melt

night-talk is smothered in butter
but then the sun rises
and melts it all away

only thing I know for sure
is that someone's always gotta pay

there ain't no saying what will be
it's always been that way

promises made in the dark
dissolve by light of day

-------------------------------------

softly close your eyes
and let your soul unwind

inhale a breath of air
and listen to the colours of your mind

now listen closely
and see what you hear

envision it clearly
then open and peer

if it isnt vividly infront of you
then its all been a lie
and for a while

like a young boy who's lost his mentor
insights fade and the world seems colder

a blizzard of old questions that still haunt you

GRHS

im obsessed these days with reading the final writings of Naguib Mahfouz
i bought a publication that has his last dreams grouped together in his own feeble handwriting,
they are beautiful inspiring and spiritually cleansing to say the least.

and if there's one thing ive learned from them
its that only once you have embraced death
will life show you the slightest of affection.
love, life and death are the elements that make up the fabric of our eternal continuum.

just months before he died he said:
"i like to believe that i lived my life on the premise of love
love of life,
love of work,
love of people,
and finally love of death"

Naguib Mahfouz
GRHS

the moment longing was born i was there with it

glimpses

i mustve changed quite a bit - huh?
it scares me a bit when i think of it
i hope i've changed to the better
and that my essence is the same
i love my essence
i wish it would shine through more often
i seem to only give the world glimpses of it, hehe :-)
we've all changed
and i like how most of us have changed
most....... but not all
i like how youve changed
because your essence is definitely the same
you also only give glimpses

once become

when reading poetry one may attempt singing the words
to get a better feeling for it
to put one's self in the poet's shoes.
imagine how the poet's life is like
what drove him to inspiration
what did he dream of last night
we as humans are so generally alike
yet so very different
not one being is like the other
cognitive prints, sexual prints, attention,emotion and so on ..............
but talking about that will only lead us to talk about neuroscience and what not
i find this fascinating and thought provoking
as the beauty of Oness lies in that it is seemingly contradictory with the apparent individualism of all

the reader and writer should mesh and dissolve the defining line of their two separate entities,
it is better for us not to speak of entities at all
but rather of the light of life that celebrates its presence in all our hearts
we will then realise that truth and empathy are not so hard to attain
and that they are just elusive at times

an english teacher in junior high once sat me down and told me

"what you say you do not feel,
and what you feel you do not say,
this is what your writing lacks"

the brain was the seat of intelligence, and the heart was the source of consciousness

far and few (only light)

between one person and the other there is only light

so when your vanity fades

i will be your sanity

and if God wills that it be your sanity that dies first

then so be it

i will bravely be your vanity

the world will decide

the world always decides

who knows what'll happen really

and who has the energy to care

i live with doubt it is part of who iam

it shapes my actions and reactions

i at times feel gratitude for having this gift

and at most other times i feel cursed

but hey...... defining moments are inherently sparse and scattered

the curse of the enlightened

you can quit when you dont want to, but when you want to quit you can’t…

We artists are indestructible; even in a prison, or in a concentration camp, I would be almighty in my own world of art, even if I had to paint my pictures with my wet tongue on the dusty floor of my cell." -- Pablo Picasso

Mitzrayim

(her own personal cairo)
im sitting next to my pen trying to avoid looking at the paper
im scared of scribbling words ive written too many times

i dont want them to taunt me anymore
i want them out, so instead ill just drive over

ive come to reannoint you
and wish you luck
a symbolic annointment
as you are embarking on a symbolic journey
be it to damascus or aleppo
or even west and home
before you do though, make peace with this kind land
this land like any good mother can be at times cruel and mean
but above all kind at heart and caring
this is where God chose to annoint the earth
so dont let the wrong doings of a few of its pharoahs
ruin its truth......... its essence
so make peace with it and forgive it
as it has forgiven and welcomed many before you
only then will you really be able to find
the stillness and quietude you crave
peace

"If we wish to be freed from our own personal “mitzrayim“, our own narrow place, our own internalized slavery, we must connect with the place within us that is willing and ready to go free. We must grow and nurture that part of ourselves, and not the quality of disconnection and cynicism."

lips dont lie

S: "I know you are laughing, but you had better get used to life, because most of the time it is a fucking bitch and the rest of the time it is so highly entertaining and amusing that the rest of it feels worth it"

me: "beautiful- and speaking of beautiful, im gazing in to the red sea right now"

S: "lucky you,I want to come to Egypt"

S: "I have to go now. I am late already,bye my dear..... xoxo"

me: " french XO ?"

S: "up yours ya habibi "

just because

...........................................how does love speak?

in the embrace where madness melts in bliss?

in the midst of the convulsive rapture of a kiss ?

love does not speak............. it does not need to

at the heart of love lies

the quickening of the senses

the thrill of touch

the perfume of passion

the taste and feel of love

the vision of the beloved.

you shall have your hug

but not because i wanna feel the warmth the sweater steals from your body
or because i crave a whiff of your hair after youve just showered
or because i need the sound of your heart beating against my chest
or because i wanna pull back from the hug to lose myself in your eternal eyes

not because i miss you
not because i still painfully love you